New Baby

Today, for the first time in all my dog years in this house, I have raised the security level to the highest alert. There is a small, wrinkly, strange smelling chicken thing here.

I have never seen something so small before. At first when my lady arrived I was very excited because I thought she brought me a chicken for me, but I have never seen such a wrinkly small chicken in my life. Lady Human says this small thing is called “new baby” which I think is a weird name for a chicken, but she seems very happy and she strokes New Baby a lot.

Sometimes I have to remind her that I also need stroking a lot. I observed New Baby and it seems to get strokes the most when it makes a loud wailing noise. Very confused, because when I do the same, Lady Human sends me to bed.

New Baby also does some VERY strange things with Lady Human’s chest. I have tried to get closer to see but Lady Human laughs and calls me cheeky and pushes me away. Perhaps New Baby is feeding. It sounds like it, there’s some happy grunts and Lady Human smiles a lot and strokes New Baby’s face and says good boy. I have yet to address this but I will NOT have a chicken take away my title. I am the ONLY good boy in this house. I know this because Lady Human asks me who is a good boy all the time. Plus, New Baby definitely is not house trained, and I go outside without being asked so I know I have this advantage.

However, good boy or not, I can see that New Baby is very special to Lady Human. As a result, the security level is at an all-time high. I am on constant patrol. As you know, the house is always at risk. Often strangers walk past the house, and at least once daily a man approaches the door with papers in his hand and pushes them into our house, can you BELIEVE it? I bark at my loudest and make sure to rip up at least two of every paper he pushes in. That’ll teach him.

Another risk is of course, cats. Nobody in their right mind likes cats. Sneaky, slinky, shadow animals. I tried to be a cat’s friend once, because I am a dog that thinks every animal is equal and no animal should be treated less than another, but the cat did not want my best rag toy, it did not want to play butt tag, and it hit me when I tried to hide it’s head in my mouth. So. NO CATS ALLOWED.

The final risk I watch out for is unexpected visitors. There have been MANY since New Baby arrived and all of them try to pick up New Baby.  This means that at night, New Baby must be protected at all costs. I sleep outside of the door and I know Lady Human appreciates that because she trips over me when New Baby wakes up in the middle of the night, and that helps her understand the dangers.

I’m thinking of developing a permit system to visit New Baby. A thorough security check including crotch sniff test and pocket check. Alternatively, new visitors can buy a permit for two treats. Yes. This will work. I’ll speak to Lady Human tomorrow.